Plea of Robotic Management

Dear Lord of Robotic Management,

Let us avoid making the sort of decisions that might expose us to the sneering questions of lawyers and journalists. Guide us instead to the creation of automatic punishments, regardless of logic or reality, so we can say that it is policy and not ourselves who decided the fate of the ensnared.

Let us chant the phrase, "If we let you do it, then we have to let everyone do it," so often that the echoes will prevent any consideration of special circumstances. Abolishing distinctions and discretion will save us time and much tribulation.

Give us the backbone of a wet noodle so if anyone threatens to challenge a management practice, we will rush to reward their threats while neglecting the needs of those who do not whine or moan but simply perform their tasks.

Steel our hearts and bestill our brains so we will not be beset by any pangs of conscience or second-guessing when we see the harmful results of our decisions. Better yet, keep us from seeing those results at all. Layer us with colleagues of similar thought.

Let us readily adopt phrases such as "zero tolerance" and "hot stove test." May we always pretend that those are consistent with good management and fairness and may we never hesitate to pull the rug out from under some supervisor who has acted reasonably if it will save us from the pit of public scrutiny.

Guide us as we impose on 98 percent of our workforce onerous personnel practices and policies designed to handle the most dysfunctional of employees. Save us from direct confrontations with malefactors. In place of that candor give us the full use of the "memo to staff" and the mandatory staff meeting in which all can be excoriated for the sins of a few.

Give us the guile to imply that we care more than those several floors above us. Above all, grant us peace, not justice.