The Long Arm
Overlawyered on the new view of justice:
Score another one for personal responsibility: 29-year old St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock killed himself in April when he drove -- faster than the speed limit, drunk, on a cell phone, and not wearing a seat belt -- into a tow truck stopped on the side of a road. Obviously, we ought to blame... everyone except Josh Hancock for this. Three and a half weeks after the accident, his father has filed suit in St. Louis against: the restaurant where Hancock was drinking, the manager of the restaurant, the tow truck driver, the towing company, and (!) the driver of the stalled vehicle that the tow truck was assisting, for having the temerity to get his car stuck on the side of the road.
So far, he hasn't sued the Cardinals or Major League Baseball, but, while praising the team, his lawyer pointedly refused to rule out suing them.
Clearly, his father's attorney isn't all that creative; think of all the other people responsible for this accident:
- The cell phone manufacturer; Hancock couldn't have been talking on the phone if they hadn't been so negligent as to invent it, or if they had placed warnings on the side of the phone about not using it while driving.
- Hancock's girlfriend -- she was on the other end of the phone. Plus, he was driving to meet her.
- The owners of the bar he was driving to in order to meet his girlfriend. If they had been closed, he wouldn't have been driving there; if they were easier to find, he wouldn't have had to give his girlfriend directions.
- The car rental company; Hancock was driving a rented SUV... because he had just had an accident in his own car. If they hadn't rented him the SUV, he couldn't have been driving it.
- Anheuser-Busch, it goes without saying; no alcohol, no accident.
- The Cardinals, for not trading him to another team; if he hadn't been in St. Louis, he couldn't have crashed.