Monday, January 31, 2011

The Personal Representative

It was once said of Zero Mostel that he would rather eat a broom than go to a hospital. I feel the same way about most social events. The more upscale the occasion, the more I'm inclined to look for an exit.

The fancy invitations often have a "send a check if you cannot attend" option and yet that doesn't address those unduckable situations in which you feel and know you should be present but wish you could avoid it. Truth be known, you'd rather spend the evening watching a DVD of some Thirties film about a black tie event instead of being trapped at one.

So here's an alternative: Just as a film star who is on location in Kenya may send a representative to the Oscars ceremony, why can't we send personal representatives to business and community events? These mini-ambassadors may carry messages of good will. They may be briefed on which subjects to mention and which to avoid. They'll probably be better dancers.

In short, they would be a combo stand-in/diplomat/courier who would know all the latest stories and would be a great dinner companion. Unlike escorts, they would not be with you; they would be in place of you.

Hmm. A new position is born.


Ted Goff said...

This is a wonderful idea, Michael. The only possible drawback is that everyone will want a professional event representative, and soon all events will be attended by no one but professional representatives. However, since they'll all look fabulous on the six o'clock news everyone will want to attend events again. However, since the Union of Professional Event Attendees will need to enforce standards regarding event attendance, it might not be so easy for just anyone who wants to attend. I suspect advanced degrees will be required. Soon the government will need to step in to regulate the practice, and lobbyists will be needed to influence the bureaucrats. A major research institute will name its new wing after you, and hold an event in your honor. It will be black tie.

Michael Wade said...


That's funny. I'm glad you like the idea. Your predictions - scary as they are - sound plausible. I expect to see The Wade Chair of Personal Representative Studies.