Monday, August 27, 2012

A Favor with Strings Attached?


Michael P. Maslanka, examining what to say when doing a favor for someone, notes Robert Cialdini's advice to say, "I know you'd do the same for me." The idea is to set the foundation for a favor that will someday be done for you. Guy Kawasaki thinks that response is enchanting.

I have used that expression at various times when it seemed appropriate, but as a general rule would urge some caution. Rather than being enchanting, the underlying message is: "I'm keeping score and this wasn't just done out of the kindness of my heart but instead is performed in the full expectation of reciprocity." It becomes less of a favor than an implied quid pro quo.

I may be the odd man out here, but I do favors for people without the slightest expectation that they will reciprocate. It's a favor, not a deal, and I try very hard not to keep score. Am I aware of the "favor system?" Sure, but such expectations can poison personal relationships. Keeping score is a great way to guarantee disappointment in others and besides, who's to say if one favor is equal to another?

The scorekeeper is seldom objective.

4 comments:

Eclecticity said...

Well said. E.

CincyCat said...

I agree completely. Keeping score when you've just done something nice for someone is never a good idea.

If the shoe is on the other foot, however, I think sincerely *offering* to reciprocate goes a long way. In other words, if you need a favor from someone, follow up with, "and, of course, if you're ever in the same boat, please don't hesitate to call me." (And then, follow through when/if they call!)

Bob said...

Expectation usually leads to disappointment. Help other people if you can and have a happy day, and an interesting life....

Favours, ethics and obligation interesting topic. If somebody turns a blind eye to something they know you did, they will expect you to do the same....

Michael Wade said...

Bob,

I've found that when it comes to gratitude, lowering expectations can lead to far less disappointment.

Michael