Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Pretend You Are Running

If you ever want to feel what it must be like to run for president, pretend that you have experienced the following:

  • The stupid remarks you made in high school are part of every comedy routine on late night television.

  • The obnoxious guy you could have easily avoided prior to running has you by the collar and is droning into the final 15 minutes of his fool-proof plan to achieve world peace.

  • Your quip that an opponent's foreign policy ideas are "pig-ignorant" has ignited protests from pig lovers throughout the nation. Hecklers dressed as pigs show up at your events.

  • You can't use a public restroom without a herd of reporters waiting outside the door.

  • You are expected to wolf down and praise every bizarre local dish held up by some eager street vendor.

  • You are not sure if the person who is frantically pushing through a crowd is an ardent supporter or a murderous psychotic.

  • Many of the reporters on your campaign bus secretly hope to smile and cajole you into some interesting revelation that will give them a headline, even if it is lethal to your dreams.

  • If you entirely please all of the members of your base - the same dedicated folks who will make the rafters ring in the convention hall - you have probably sunk your chances in the general election.

  • You sleep in a different hotel room every night.

  • You have to be "on" and charming with everyone who crosses your path or they will tell their friends or a nearby microphone that you are an inconsiderate snob.

  • The problems and challenges in your personal life - after all, you are no different from anyone else - have not disappeared.

  • You get up early in the snowy morning to greet factory workers as they arrive at work and many of them refuse to take your hand.

  • You drive across a city only to discover that the "Meet the Candidate" party at Rachel Emerson's home has attracted eight people.

  • Every political junkie within 50 miles is eager to tell you how to improve your campaign.

  • Some of them are correct.

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