I heard a remark by Dennis Prager the other day that has stayed with me.
He said that we have a general ethical duty to act as if we are in a good mood; indeed, Prager has written that happiness is a moral obligation. He notes:
We should regard bad moods as we do offensive body odor. Just as we shower each day so as not to inflict our body odors on others, so we should monitor our bad moods so as not to inflict them on others. We shower partly for ourselves and partly out of obligation to others.
The same should hold true vis a vis moods; and just as we avoid those who do not do something about their body odor we should avoid whenever possible those who do nothing about their bad moods.
The same should hold true vis a vis moods; and just as we avoid those who do not do something about their body odor we should avoid whenever possible those who do nothing about their bad moods.
He wasn't saying that the duty extends to extreme situations, such as severe depression or where there has been the death of a loved one, but he was arguing that in our general interactions, we have an obligation not to inflict unhappiness on others.
I agree with him.
One of my pet peeves is people who casually excuse discourteous or cruel behavior by "I wasn't in a good mood." Oh really? Then, then find another one. Don't drag others down.
There is an assumption that people who are upbeat are blessed with trouble-free lives or are naive or ignorant. That's rarely the case. Those family members, friends, and associates aren't without burdens and pressures of their own. Their troubles may far exceed those of the person who is in a bad mood but they have chosen to treat others properly.
The tendency to excuse bad moods may be a product of our feelings-oriented culture. "Let it all hang out" was a line from the Sixties that we'd do well to suppress. You don't need to be some repressed Victorian (and there is serious debate on whether the Victorians, and the Puritans for that matter, were all that repressed) to desire greater consideration for the feelings of others.
Zig Ziglar used to joke about the person who brightens a room ...by leaving it. We've all known those types and the damage they can do to others. We need to talk more about the basic virtues such as trustworthiness and courage that are so important to a successful life. Happiness - and our obligation to be happy - should also be part of that discussion.
10 comments:
My bad mood is part of my charm. :)
I can't count the times I've had to remind people they don't have to BE happy, they only have to LOOK happy. (I used to say "Show some teeth!" But I had to stop when I got an employee with no teeth.)
I strongly agree.
My one slight issue with the post is linking peoples' inability to handle their bad moods to the feelings oriented culture. I actually believe the focus on feelings to be positive - it is the inability to manage them that is not. And this does seem to be getting worse, particularly with the number of emotionally incontinent 'stars' on Big Brother and similar shows these days. The main difficulty, in my view, is that most people don't realise they can control their moods - they see them more similar to the colour of their hair - than they do to something they can control like their body odour.
HR Wench,
I think Oscar Levant made a career of such charm. He once said that happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
Hoots,
Ha! Aside from the no teeth scenarios, that's sound advice.
Jon,
I think we're in agreement. The failure to recognize that the choice is both possible and desirable is a major problem for many.
I suppose I understand this... "happy" people are often more pleasant to be around. But don't just assume that there isn't a valid reason for someone's less than cheery behaviour.
I'm bipolar so I can be moody at times. I try to stay out of the way on my worst days - but sometimes I have to be around others then. However, I don't have a scarlet "C" branded on my forehead to warn you and I don't share my mental illness diagnosis because of the social stigma. If my "moods" make you think I'm a waste of effort - your loss (and yes, I'm in treatment so I am trying to control things).
Feelings can follow actions. If you're in a bad mood:
1) Tell people you're having a good day
2) Smile
3) Think about things which make you happy.
4) Ask people to tell you good things about their lives.
Do these things and 9 times out of 10 you'll start feeling happy without realizing it.
GeekChic,
We'd rule out a condition that makes the mood beyond a person's control. I don't want to put a happy face on being bipolar or other serious conditions. My comments were directed at the people who do have control and who don't use it and especially at those who seem to relish behavior that brings others down. Do we need to be sensitive to the fact that the unhappy person might have a mental illness? Absolutely.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
Charles R. Swindoll quote
Michael,
Fair enough.
Actually... if I wasn't afraid of being treated like a leper (and possibly being fired) if I revealed my mental illness I would be happy to "warn" people. I do have some understanding of how difficult it can be to deal with someone who is "moody".
GeekChic,
That's an interesting point and a difficult situation. I have encountered some people who've said, "I don't want to be unfriendly but I'm not really in the best of moods right now. Can I get back with you later on that?" It worked with me.
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