We are often separately urged to be discreet and candid.
Well, which should it be?
I've worked out the following very rough guide:
- If your discretion will cause someone to be hurt, be candid.
- If your candor will cause someone to be hurt, be discreet.
- Ignore the second rule if you need to be candid in order to correct a person who is on a seriously harmful path and whose feelings may be hurt by your showing them the right direction. Recognize that your candor may not be appreciated and, before unleashing your tongue, ask yourself if being brutally frank is really more of an attempt to control behavior that is truly none of your business. [One warning sign for the latter is if you will take any pleasure in conveying the truth. Any hint of joy in being the bearer of bad news evokes a serious question of your motives. Another warning sign is if you have a habit of engaging in such interventions.]
- The Golden Rule is not always helpful since the other person's reaction may differ dramatically from your own. The fact that your words wouldn't bother you means little. You may have the hide of a hippopotamus.
- Discretion is a virtue but it can also be used as an excuse for simple cowardice. If you sense that you are being craven, you probably are.
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