Friday, October 06, 2006

The Finalists

I want to thank you for meeting with me regarding the candidates for the Vice President of Intergovernmental Relations position. If it’s all right with you, I’ll just summarize what our firm learned about them.

Go right ahead. I don’t have much time.

I’ll start with a conventional type. Winston Churchill has extensive public sector experience. His speaking style is a bit dramatic and somewhat dated.

Will he fit in here? We’re fairly cutting edge.

I’m not sure. He’s sort of an anachronism. He drank at lunch.

I don’t like that.

And he kept a cigar in his hand throughout the interview.

Another smoker? Our insurance people will flip out.

He has held various executive positions in government and has his share of enemies. In fact, he is reputed to be a maverick and is far from universally popular. One of his adversaries in the business called him "Fifty percent genius and fifty percent bloody fool."

Oh, great. Guess what part we’ll get.

Let’s see now. He is an Army veteran. Graduated from Sandhurst.

Probably some rigid military type. I hope he doesn’t expect to bark orders.

He has written several books. My main concern is he handled a project called Gallipoli that resulted in the loss of lives and money.

Well, that’s a big problem. Who’s next?

Mohandas Gandhi may be too cutting edge. He came to the interview dressed in a loincloth and sandals.

A loincloth? Does he think he’s applying for some diversity management position?

When I saw the sandals I thought he might fit in more with the Information Technology bunch. He seems sort of passive and can be hard to reach. He ordered the vegetarian meal at lunch. No steak houses for him. I’ve heard that he doesn't talk one day each week, but instead writes notes to his associates. Get this though. He said he has taken a vow of poverty. We might be able to pick him up for a song.

That may be all he’s worth. A loincloth!

Don’t worry. He’s not my top choice.

I’m glad to hear that.

By the way, rumors are that he often discusses colonic hygiene theories with his staff.

One week and we’d be in a sexual harassment case.

Margaret Thatcher may be more up your alley. She is very smart and lets you know it. Autocratic and abrasive. Her favorite expression is "There is no alternative."

I like her already.

She’s got a degree in chemistry from Oxford University. Has extensive public sector experience.

You’re hiding something.

Well, there are reports that she often makes derogatory comments regarding men, such as "If you want a something said, get a man. If you want something done, get a woman.”

That should be a hit with the guys. Who else do you have?

Just one more. Mick Jagger is amiable and bright. He attended London School of Economics. Creative. Energetic. Built an international business while in his twenties and is still making considerable money. Projects a hip image and seems able to connect both with Baby Boomers and Generation Xers.

Why didn’t you mention him earlier? He sounds great.

I know what you mean, and get this: He even has fan clubs.

Uh oh. What’s the downside to Mr. Jagger?

All of his work has been in the private sector, but he's convinced that his skills are transferable to the governmental relations job.

Well, as far as I’m concerned, there’s only one real candidate. Tell Jagger I’ll see him next week.

No comments: