From a lawyer:
"Please don't consult me until all of the major decisions have been made and trouble erupts. When you do get around to calling - remember, no rush - try to withhold crucial information since it might complicate my analysis. Give me plenty of opinions cloaked as facts. An occasional lie is also entertaining. Before seeing me, make sure that you have sent lots of emails about the situation to any adversaries and witnesses. Shun any settlement possibilities and loudly threaten to take the case to the U. S. Supreme Court. That should get matters off to the right start."